“Do you have kids?” is a question I sometimes get from strangers or people that I don’t know that well. ”No” is my standard reply, and then what they inevitably say is “Not yet.” Although it’s a presumptuous thing for these strangers to say to me, at the moment, it is entirely accurate. As parents-to-be, Dan and I have spent a lot of time talking/thinking about our future child. One of the issues most pressing in my mind is “What will my parenting style be?”
Many of you may have already read Amy Chua‘s excerpt of her new book and perhaps followed the controversial debate that resulted. There has been a LOT of discussion about it including a David Brooks opinion piece, a Room for Debate on NYT, rebuttals from numerous other Chinese parents, several discussions on NPR (here, here, and here with her husband), Chua’s own answers to readers, an open forum with schoolkids, a follow-up which includes comments from Chua’s friends, and even a send-up from Taiwan’s favorite animated “news” source. That is just among the English-speaking world. In the Chinese community, the debate is no less heated and has Chinese people on both sides of the Pacific in uproar (Chinese versions here and here). I have been following this debate with some interest because not only am I product of a Chinese Mother (this term refers to the style of parenting, not specifically my mom) but I am also contemplating my own internal Chinese Mother as our adoption plans progress. For those not familiar with the debate, it basically comes down to two parenting styles:
1) “Chinese Mother” style: harsh discipline, strict rules, parents always know best and impose their thinking onto the kids, never-good-enough, constant push for academic excellence resulting in a lot of sacrifice on the parents’ part but children who are high achievers but not necessarily happy or socially adjusted.
2) “Western Parent” style: indulgent, coddling, protective of kids’ egos, emphasis on choice, acknowledgement of children’s opinions, importance placed on self-esteem and happiness resulting in parents who are more likely to be “friends” with their children and children who are fine to be mediocre as long as they are happy.
I have been going back and forth a lot about what I think about both these styles. Ultimately, I’m sure Dan and I will walk a path in the middle, so that’s not the issue. One of the things I am very interested in is whether or not either of these approaches are a good idea in an environment where the other approach is the dominant style. I, like Amy Chua and her daughters, grew up in America under the Chinese Mother style. We know from psychology that our own perceptions of happiness are greatly influenced by making comparisons with other people. Growing up, I inevitably compared my household to other children’s and saw some definite differences which often resulted in my unhappiness. My own curiosity is not which style is better but whether it is wise to have one extreme parenting style in an environment where your kids will be surrounded by kids being raised in the other style and thus constantly comparing the two.
The other thing I wonder about is can we define happiness and success? Of course we will say that the definitions depend, but should parents impose a baseline? I have to confess that I probably have a fairly narrow definition of success. When raising my own children, I am not sure that I can help but insist on the same belief system. For example, academic achievement is really important to me and probably to any other household with two PhD parents. I think it’s wrong to promote a sense of “you can be the best at anything” because guess what? We can’t all be the best at everything, that’s just basic math. I believe choice is overrated; the outcomes of many decisions are of no consequence. I think hugs and kisses and politeness and gratitude should be given in spades. These are some of my ingredients to success and happiness, but is it fair to make my children believe that as well?
Despite the fact that I have a mental allergy to memoirs (better summarized by Genzlinger here), I went ahead and read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother or rather, Amy Chua read it to me on audio book last Monday during my drive up to Bangor. I enjoyed it. I could identify with every single person in her book, from her parents to Amy Chua herself to her older obedient daughter to her younger rebellious daughter and even her Western husband. As everyone who has read the book has already stated, the excerpt doesn’t really do the book justice. It is funny, endearing, and absolutely right on in terms of the Chinese values and moral code. Have any of you read the book? If so, I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts. I have a lot of sympathies for the way she chose to raise her daughters. I, too, think a lot of what she terms “Western parenting” is too lenient and permissive. But I also remember longing to go to sleepovers, learning trigonometry in the 3rd grade (unnecessarily in my opinion), and being afraid to question my parents. Regardless, I don’t think my grades, speaking several languages, or my love for the piano and classical music would have existed without Chinese parenting. I had a long chat with my parents about the book (before any of us read it), and it was a very enlightening conversation. My parents made a lot of sacrifices for my brother and me, and they chose very carefully for us. I know that I could not have accomplished half of my achievements if I didn’t have the foundation given to me by my parents. I owe them quite a lot.
At around the same time all this was happening, I also began to appreciate how difficult it is to be an immigrant raising children. Dan and I have very little idea about the educational system here, and we are only beginning to understand some of the social/cultural norms. How do we raise our children to have Chinese and American values in Wales? How do we protect them from being bullied for being different (let’s face it, they are going to be different) than other Welsh kids? How do we help them keep in touch with their relatives scattered across the globe? And the most pertinent question to my own research interests, how many languages are they going to learn? These are the puzzles we are facing now and for many years to come, and we can only hope that our kids turn out to do more good than harm in the world.
