Dear residents of Aber,
In the past two and a half years of living here, you have made my experience abroad a genuine delight. I love your accents, enjoy the community spirit you maintain, and appreciate your friendly help when I have needed it. Thank you for making my transition to Wales such a pleasant experience. It therefore saddens me to have to point out to you a major flaw that is not only incomprehensible but embarrassing: your inability to cope with snow in the winter months. This winter is the third we are spending in your lovely town, and it is the third winter that we have seen it snow. Perhaps it is no longer a fluke. Perhaps we should anticipate snow every winter. As hardy midwesterners, we have been through our fair share of snowy winters. Where we come from, we don’t measure snow in “centimetres”; we measure it in feet. I am pleased to present an early Christmas present from us direct to you, an FAQ list about coping with the snow.
1) When is snow a crisis? Snow is a lovely occurrence of nature that reminds us of the circle of life. The dead and white of winter contrasts with the vibrant green spring. 2 inches of snow does not warrant comment, and it certainly does not warrant closing down schools. 4-5 inches of snow should not shut down an entire university. Talk to me when there is 2 feet of snow on the ground.
2) What should I wear in the snow? Snow can only occur under certain meteorological conditions. To simplify, it has to be both cold enough to snow and warm enough to snow. As with other weather conditions, your clothing should keep you comfortable. Unless you are extremely hot-blooded or have copious amounts of body hair, you should not be baring your midriff and wearing heels in the snow. Girl wearing only tights on your lower half, we saw you in the cafeteria on Friday and were shocked on multiple levels.
3) There seems to be snow on my car. Does that mean I can’t use it? Amazingly, cars are capable of operating in all sorts of weather, including snow! Also amazingly, snow is neither immobile nor permanent! If there is snow on your car, get rid of it!
4) Okay, I have mentally prepared myself to drive in the snow. What tools do I need to make this possible? There are a couple of implements that are useful for getting your car out: an ice scraper (if you have one like ours, it comes with a brush; if not, then get a brush) and a snow shovel. I know we’re in a bad economy here, but these tools are only a few pounds each. The shovel should be used to clear out a path to your car, on your entire driveway, and any other pavement/concrete spaces around your house. Do it early because the longer you wait, the worse it gets. The ice scraper is the best tool to get snow and ice off your car. It is more effective than using your credit card, an aerosol de-icer spray (which is also bad for the environment), or boiling a kettle of water to pour on your car. Also, don’t use a food tray as a shovel; that must be hell on your back.
5) Using your recommended method of an “ice scraper”, I have managed to scrape a 10-inch wide hole in the snow on my windscreen (windshield). That should be good, right? No, you must do the whole car. And by whole car, I mean all the windows, the mirrors, and the metal surfaces. It is dangerous to only see out of a 10-inch hole. It is also dangerous not to brush off the snow from your hood (your bonnet), the top of your car, and your trunk (your boot). If you don’t brush off the snow, it can fly off while you’re driving and startle other drivers by throwing a bunch of snow onto their clean windshield that their lovely husband spent 10 minutes clearing.
6) How do I know it’s safe to drive out there? In theory, the county should have salted the roads in preparation for inclement weather and then plowed the snow off the streets continuously once the snow actually hit. That doesn’t mean that you should immediately park on all the cleared parts thereby making it inaccessible for the rest of us.
7) But I swear I saw the salt truck out there a few weeks ago when no snow was forecast. And I haven’t see any snowplows in my neighborhood. What happened? Yes, I saw that salt truck a few weeks ago, too, when there was only cold weather predicted, not snow. I can only guess that it was practicing for the real thing. And you haven’t seen any snowplows around your neighborhood probably because the one snowplow that the county owns is busy plowing the major roads and not realizing that people live in neighborhoods that also need plowing. I have no explanation for the county’s bizarre policies.
8 ) All this snow is stressing me out! What can I do??? Get over yourself or go hibernate.
Sincerely,
Your friendly snow-experienced midwesterners